19 days...

Well, today I have had some serious anxiety. I have a TON of stresses coming from my restaurant and having to leave it and I feel like I do not have enough time to be leaving it in the hands of one of my team leaders and hoping they keep up the progress we have been working towards. But I am doing my best to prepare them for my absence and that is all I can do. I am typically not one to be overly anxious, stressed out or get all crazy over issues. I always am able to deal with whatever comes my way either by "putting it away" until I can sort it out later, rationalize the situation, or hit it head on and fix it. But, right now, it seems as though everything is compounding and I can only "put so much away."

My daughter is having some issues in school and has been in trouble a lot and she is 3 months into kindergarten. We are meeting with the principle tomorrow to discuss what we are going to do about her aggressive behavior, and we are also planning on beginning family therapy to work on teaching her the right ways to express herself so she doesn't get kicked out of school. Again, she is 5 and in KINDERGARTEN!! :(

I feel like my surgery is coming so fast that I don’t have enough time. I am very close to freaking out fully at any moment. I just had my period about 2-3 weeks ago and since I am always about 30-35 days in between, this is pretty odd but I am having a "weak" period. EWW alert! I am not sure what exactly it is, but it is not a full blown period, just enough for a "light-day" panty liner, and the stuff is different but definitely period. It is very strange since I did not have any pre-period symptoms like cramps, or cyst pain or emotional jags. Oh well, I hope I am not pregnant. My husband and I are not exactly abstinent but we are taking precautions. Since we have been trying for 3 years to have another child, and it took us 3 years to have our daughter, I fear that just my luck; I would end up pregnant right before this surgery. And, I have even been having nightmares about it! Sheesh! For the most part, I am ready to have the surgery. My daughter will be out on break for the first 2 weeks and will be at daycare while Daniel is at work and they will come see me after he is off. They won’t let him be off for too much, but he is getting a few days here and there. So that s is making me a little sad. I will only have Daniel for a few hours a day in the evening, otherwise will be by myself. Not really any family that I would want in there with me and the ones I do want have their own lives and don’t live close. So I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

When I am thinking about what exactly is causing me the most fear, I think that what come to mind are the most negative experiences I have had thus-far. So with my C-section, I always wanted to have a C-section but since my cervix would not open up after a week of different approaches to inducing labor, they asked me if I wanted to start more aggressively with Pitocin or have a C-section, and yes I am a bit selfish in this decision, but girls, I am sure you understand. I decided to go with the C-section because all along I did not want my VJ stretched to the size of a bowling ball and never go back to the way it was before. And for some reason, having the surgery seemed a lot easier...go figure. Anyway, after they asked me, I had an hour before they were wheeling me back. No time to dwell. So they dress me and Daniel up in hospital garb and wheel me to the room. The plan being I would remain awake and Daniel would be there with me. When they began the epidural, I sat on the edge of the bed and then I freaked out. I did not want a needle in my back!! So they told me "guide" them. If I feel it on either side or feel a nerve sensation to tell them. Well they stuck it in, I jumped and then it stabbed the right side and I felt nerve in my right leg. I was freaking out. So they laid me down. My legs began to feel very heavy and then they stretched out my right arm for IV, and strapped my left arm down. I was feeling a little light headed and scared shit-less. So they start poking around I guess to see if you are numbed up and they pinched my belly so hard! I asked them if I was supposed to feel that and they said no, do you? I said yes and they pinched me some more, so then things got crazy. They said they had to move fast, the epidural did not work and that they had to knock me out and Daniel could not come in there. I panicked. I began to cry and one nurse came by my face was talking to me telling me it was ok. She put a mask on my face, began to hold it down on my while holding my head still. This came across as she was choking me since her hand was on my neck. I fell asleep crying, thinking they were killing me. When I woke up 30 mins later, I was still crying and freaking out hysterically but I did not have any pain and felt a huge "cement" warm, blanket feeling on my tummy. I kept crying for about an hour. I was a mess. After a few days of pain, we realized I ended up with a rare spinal headache where the spinal cord is leaking fluid causing the brain to hang on the spine. VERY PAINFUL. Also I was nauseous after surgery and threw up a few times. Not a good feeling. The headache lasted almost 3 weeks and they were about to take blood from my arm and inject it into my spinal column to clot the hole and seal it, but that had huge risks of infection potentially not being able to walk or being paralyzed, so we waited it out and it went away that night. Imagine not being able to move except crawling, not being to nurse your newborn, or get out of bed after having this done to pee or anything. I was miserable.

Experience 2: about 3 years ago I ended up with gall stones and the doctor said we could try to pass them painfully or take out my gall bladder. It runs in my family and many of them have had it out so I figured, HEY? Get it out! So that was about 1-2 weeks before it was taken out. Not much time to dwell. Went to the hospital, hooked up to IV and waited. They let me sit for a while and then took me back. The OR was extremely cold and white everywhere, looked like something else was going down in there, similar to a morgue. Yuck! So they started to knock me out and that was it. When I woke up, the nurse popped me 2 vicodin and shortly after that we found out I can’t handle my vicodin lol. I was throwing up a lot! I was about to be admitted because I was not able to be recovered enough for them to let me go home. I was very nauseous and couldn’t stay alert. After going home, I was in terrible pain, had a fever and pain meds made me throw up. The gases they pumped my tummy up with were settling in my body and that was so painful. They told me to sit up so the gas would rise up and that I would have a lot of pain in my chest, and shoulders while the gas was being absorbed in my body. And YES, it was painful. It was so much pressure and pain that did not go away. Thankfully, I was able to deal with the recovery well after that.

I had a carpal tunnel surgery which I was awake for, not much with that. It went well.

Arthrogram MRI this summer not good. I was very calm and excited to have my first MRI ever. I was cool and relaxed all the way up until I lay on the table. Then, all hell broke loose. I do not particularly like needles and have been known to be frightened severely of them. However, drawn blood and shots, no big deal. Go figure. Anyway I lay down, and began to panic. Crying, my whole body was tensed, I was hyperventilating. The assistant was petting my head, and drying my tears, but to no good. It hurt for the needle to go in and I did not like the experience one bit.

So of all my experiences, I mostly have not had good ones. I am scared, and not of the pain. I am scared of them putting anything into my back, I am scared of dying, and I am scared of being able to feel it. I am flat out scared. I am going to try to post daily and get this all out to help me relax. I hope it helps!

Things left to do:
Plan and make some easy to heat meals.
Get a grabber, back scratcher, and sock aid, and silky pj's or a sleep shirt.
Get my hair done before surgery.
Get some more "busy work" things for me to do so I am not bored.