19 days...

Well, today I have had some serious anxiety. I have a TON of stresses coming from my restaurant and having to leave it and I feel like I do not have enough time to be leaving it in the hands of one of my team leaders and hoping they keep up the progress we have been working towards. But I am doing my best to prepare them for my absence and that is all I can do. I am typically not one to be overly anxious, stressed out or get all crazy over issues. I always am able to deal with whatever comes my way either by "putting it away" until I can sort it out later, rationalize the situation, or hit it head on and fix it. But, right now, it seems as though everything is compounding and I can only "put so much away."

My daughter is having some issues in school and has been in trouble a lot and she is 3 months into kindergarten. We are meeting with the principle tomorrow to discuss what we are going to do about her aggressive behavior, and we are also planning on beginning family therapy to work on teaching her the right ways to express herself so she doesn't get kicked out of school. Again, she is 5 and in KINDERGARTEN!! :(

I feel like my surgery is coming so fast that I don’t have enough time. I am very close to freaking out fully at any moment. I just had my period about 2-3 weeks ago and since I am always about 30-35 days in between, this is pretty odd but I am having a "weak" period. EWW alert! I am not sure what exactly it is, but it is not a full blown period, just enough for a "light-day" panty liner, and the stuff is different but definitely period. It is very strange since I did not have any pre-period symptoms like cramps, or cyst pain or emotional jags. Oh well, I hope I am not pregnant. My husband and I are not exactly abstinent but we are taking precautions. Since we have been trying for 3 years to have another child, and it took us 3 years to have our daughter, I fear that just my luck; I would end up pregnant right before this surgery. And, I have even been having nightmares about it! Sheesh! For the most part, I am ready to have the surgery. My daughter will be out on break for the first 2 weeks and will be at daycare while Daniel is at work and they will come see me after he is off. They won’t let him be off for too much, but he is getting a few days here and there. So that s is making me a little sad. I will only have Daniel for a few hours a day in the evening, otherwise will be by myself. Not really any family that I would want in there with me and the ones I do want have their own lives and don’t live close. So I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

When I am thinking about what exactly is causing me the most fear, I think that what come to mind are the most negative experiences I have had thus-far. So with my C-section, I always wanted to have a C-section but since my cervix would not open up after a week of different approaches to inducing labor, they asked me if I wanted to start more aggressively with Pitocin or have a C-section, and yes I am a bit selfish in this decision, but girls, I am sure you understand. I decided to go with the C-section because all along I did not want my VJ stretched to the size of a bowling ball and never go back to the way it was before. And for some reason, having the surgery seemed a lot easier...go figure. Anyway, after they asked me, I had an hour before they were wheeling me back. No time to dwell. So they dress me and Daniel up in hospital garb and wheel me to the room. The plan being I would remain awake and Daniel would be there with me. When they began the epidural, I sat on the edge of the bed and then I freaked out. I did not want a needle in my back!! So they told me "guide" them. If I feel it on either side or feel a nerve sensation to tell them. Well they stuck it in, I jumped and then it stabbed the right side and I felt nerve in my right leg. I was freaking out. So they laid me down. My legs began to feel very heavy and then they stretched out my right arm for IV, and strapped my left arm down. I was feeling a little light headed and scared shit-less. So they start poking around I guess to see if you are numbed up and they pinched my belly so hard! I asked them if I was supposed to feel that and they said no, do you? I said yes and they pinched me some more, so then things got crazy. They said they had to move fast, the epidural did not work and that they had to knock me out and Daniel could not come in there. I panicked. I began to cry and one nurse came by my face was talking to me telling me it was ok. She put a mask on my face, began to hold it down on my while holding my head still. This came across as she was choking me since her hand was on my neck. I fell asleep crying, thinking they were killing me. When I woke up 30 mins later, I was still crying and freaking out hysterically but I did not have any pain and felt a huge "cement" warm, blanket feeling on my tummy. I kept crying for about an hour. I was a mess. After a few days of pain, we realized I ended up with a rare spinal headache where the spinal cord is leaking fluid causing the brain to hang on the spine. VERY PAINFUL. Also I was nauseous after surgery and threw up a few times. Not a good feeling. The headache lasted almost 3 weeks and they were about to take blood from my arm and inject it into my spinal column to clot the hole and seal it, but that had huge risks of infection potentially not being able to walk or being paralyzed, so we waited it out and it went away that night. Imagine not being able to move except crawling, not being to nurse your newborn, or get out of bed after having this done to pee or anything. I was miserable.

Experience 2: about 3 years ago I ended up with gall stones and the doctor said we could try to pass them painfully or take out my gall bladder. It runs in my family and many of them have had it out so I figured, HEY? Get it out! So that was about 1-2 weeks before it was taken out. Not much time to dwell. Went to the hospital, hooked up to IV and waited. They let me sit for a while and then took me back. The OR was extremely cold and white everywhere, looked like something else was going down in there, similar to a morgue. Yuck! So they started to knock me out and that was it. When I woke up, the nurse popped me 2 vicodin and shortly after that we found out I can’t handle my vicodin lol. I was throwing up a lot! I was about to be admitted because I was not able to be recovered enough for them to let me go home. I was very nauseous and couldn’t stay alert. After going home, I was in terrible pain, had a fever and pain meds made me throw up. The gases they pumped my tummy up with were settling in my body and that was so painful. They told me to sit up so the gas would rise up and that I would have a lot of pain in my chest, and shoulders while the gas was being absorbed in my body. And YES, it was painful. It was so much pressure and pain that did not go away. Thankfully, I was able to deal with the recovery well after that.

I had a carpal tunnel surgery which I was awake for, not much with that. It went well.

Arthrogram MRI this summer not good. I was very calm and excited to have my first MRI ever. I was cool and relaxed all the way up until I lay on the table. Then, all hell broke loose. I do not particularly like needles and have been known to be frightened severely of them. However, drawn blood and shots, no big deal. Go figure. Anyway I lay down, and began to panic. Crying, my whole body was tensed, I was hyperventilating. The assistant was petting my head, and drying my tears, but to no good. It hurt for the needle to go in and I did not like the experience one bit.

So of all my experiences, I mostly have not had good ones. I am scared, and not of the pain. I am scared of them putting anything into my back, I am scared of dying, and I am scared of being able to feel it. I am flat out scared. I am going to try to post daily and get this all out to help me relax. I hope it helps!

Things left to do:
Plan and make some easy to heat meals.
Get a grabber, back scratcher, and sock aid, and silky pj's or a sleep shirt.
Get my hair done before surgery.
Get some more "busy work" things for me to do so I am not bored.

Weight Loss pics

I just wanted to show a couple of weight loss pics because I am so proud of everything I have done even without being able to workout at all :D
#1 was in April 2011 (7 months ago) at 264
#2 was October 2011 (6 weeks ago) at 236
#3 was November 24th, 2011 at 231 33 lbs lost!!!

3 weeks 2 days

Counting down here OMG its coming fast!! I survived my first thanksgiving feast at my house. I planned, prepared, cooked and hosted my first Thanksgiving. Hubby helped me when it came time to cook, but for the most part it was just me. And everything went perfect!!! Both of us have never done it before and the turkey was amazing!! Felt good to plan it and have it all come together perfect with family there :D

So, its getting pretty close to D-Day. I have a BUNCH of appointments to do and my store is needing a lot of work before i leave. So much to do!!!!! I have some xmas lights up and plan on doing some more today or tomorrow and getting out the decorations and picking out our tree. Plus i have my 5yo's presents done, just need to wrap them. I also must plan and shop for an xmas party at my store whooo I have a lot to do!! yikes!

But, I will sleep and rest in a few weeks lol!!

30 days and counting....

So, I have actually 29 days left until my RPAO. I have mixed feelings at the moment. I have lost 33 lbs and I barely feel any pain or achiness. Sometimes I feel a twinge of tear pain or achiness at night but mostly it feels like I may not need the surgery. I guess I might be experiencing a little "cold-feet." I know I need the surgery but the pain level tells me otherwise. I am not cancelling it. I will have it done because it will help me but I hate the part of thinking whether I need it or not. Also, I have begun to feel similar pains in my left hip. Very subtle and achy at times when I am at work, driving or standing on the left leg. I dont know whether it is because I am using it more these days to strengthen it or if I may need an LPAO. I know a lot of women end up needing them both done, but as yet, I havent felt any issues with it. When I look at my xrays though, I do see some dysplasia but HEY I'm not a doctor, so I guess we will see and right now I am in no hurry to "hop" into another surgery recovery.
As the time gets closer, I have some many stresses rambling around in my brain. One being we have been wanting to have another child for many years (our oldest just turned 5) and so far no luck. I have PCOS and have had it for a long time (10+ years). Basically, I have a ton of horomones that cause my periods to be irregular or not at all, and if I do become preggo the horomones kill the egg. My 5y.o. is really a miracle. :) So the closer we get to my surgery, I am scared that I will become pregnant and not be able to have the surgery. Its so close I dont want it to go away, but if I am preggo, let's be honest....my hips can wait :D We haven't been doing anything differently. Same procedure, but not filling the tank if you get what I mean. But it would be just my luck to find out I am pregnant.

Another thing I am worried about is the fact that store will be franchised out either right before or while i am recovering. In the case that happens, I will be forced to return to work and re-apply for my job, and if I am on crutches, I dont know how physically capable they will see me. So I am worried about that, but since we are so close now, that is not likely.

Another things is that the insurance companies may decide its not necessary and deny the surgery. I may need to look into how to make sure these guys dont try no bull shit. And as far as my job goes, I am totally stressed about leaving my store for someone else to care for!! GAH!

Another thing is the week of and after my surgery. I will be spending a lot of hospital time alone without family (husband). Which will be lonely :( But I can do it and I will be home soon. And who knows, maybe someone will show up and keep me company.

In 16 days, Dec 6th is my appt with my PCP to get tests done and all that jazz before surgery. Blood tests, EKG, etc. Also we will be looking at my health since my weight loss so that will be cool to discus :D

And 3 weeks til my pro-op appointment. I called my surgeon's assistant to ask a couple ?'s One being about when to donate my blood. She let me know that at the location of Swedish Hospital that the surgery will take place, the facility does not store donated blood like that onsite because they cannot store it. So they told me unless I have any issues in my history or any issues currently, I do not need to donate my blood. They said they test mine before and then have what they have at the facility ready to go just in case. But they cant store patients blood there.

Until next post.... :)

You might be Dysplastic if....

I read this on another person's blog and I like it :D


You might be dysplastic if ...
1. You are under 30 and own a walker, a raised toilet seat and a hip kit.
2. You have said, "it's not a hip replacement, they are breaking my pelvis" more than once in the same day.
3. You are adept at doing the "fist in hand" demonstration of a what a normal hip looks like, followed by what YOURS looks like, followed by how the surgeon will correct it.
4. While carving a turkey, you take the opportunity to demonstrate for your guests how periacetabular osteotomy works using the carving knife, said turkey, and a few screws from the junk drawer in the kitchen. You end up ordering pizza.
5. You are the youngest person in your aquatherapy class.
6. You are the oldest patient at the children's hospital.
7. Before going on any outing you ask, "how far will I have to walk?"
8. You can spell "iliopsoas" and "trochanter."
9. Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow. You have hundreds of words for hip pain: snapping, grinding, tin foil, popping, giving way, ripping, tearing, shredding, burning ...
10. Even though you got a "C" in high school biology, you can name and describe the function of every muscle, tendon and bone between your belly button and your knee cap.
11. You practice sleeping on your back so that you'll be ready for the weeks post surgery.
12. You are a woman but you say the word "groin" a lot.
13. You have posted a picture of yourself in a hospital gown on the internet.
14. You have posted pictures of your incision, your x-rays, your hardware, or your surgeon on the internet.
15. You've refinanced your house and/or cashed out your retirement accounts just in case you have to pay for a surgery which your insurance company may, at the last minute, deem "not medically necessary."
16. You have a blog which you update hourly (first week post diagnosis), obsessively (in the months leading up to surgery), daily (the week before surgery), daily with help from a family member or nurse (from the time the epidural comes out until you leave the hospital), bi-weekly (from the time you leave the hospital until you get to throw the damn crutches away), then twice monthly until such time as you just want to get on with your life again. You then update the blog one year after surgery with a picture of your healed incision. Unless ... you need surgery on the other side; if so, repeat.

36 Days to go...

So, not much is going is on. Except for time ticking away at the moment. I am getting anxious and calmed about the whole thing. We still a few more things, and the month of Dec will beso freaking busy man. I started and finished my 5y.o's christmas shopping. I purchased my husband's gift today! And still need to wrap all my daughters gifts. So far I started putting up christmas lights and got some decorations. I need to get all the lights and decorations out asap and see what I have and how I am going to put them up this year, since we just moved to this house about 6 months ago and havent put any lights up here yet :D

I am so busy right now! I am planning my first Thanksgiving feast this year and since i am doing it all myself, i still need to learn some details I havent picked up from cooking with my mom. mostly I have a good idea, though just need to get the preparations for it and cook the things we want. Excited about that!

During December I have appointment after appointment and so many phone calls to make regarding my PAO on Dec 20th. Having have all decorations and planning for kids christmas morning :D Hopefully I will be feeling ok enough to be involved. My surgeon's assistance Sarah just called me and we discussed upcoming events and appointments. She reminded me that Dr. Downer likes to have patients out on the 2nd or 3rd day post-op. Which is either 22nd or 23rd. So should be home for Christmas! As long as eberything goes well and smoothly. The location where I am getting my PAO does not have the capacities to store patients blood on site, so Sarah said that if the blood is needed, they then send for it or have it ready on site as a backup and all proper testing to match in case a patient needs more.

We just bought some new couches and we love them! And yesterday we painted a couple matching walls to tie the room together. We did a great job!! :D

Aside from all this I have to do, I am needed at another location for my work and my boss has asked me to help her by visiting this store more to make sure orders are getting done. I also must do so much training before I leave and get my office organized and terminate and hire people. I also have to have meetings and complete raise reviews for my managers. BUSY BUSY BUSY!

All this work and then to sit on my butt whoooooeee a vacation!! LOL